


Texting Wars

by JoeCoolNerd



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Funny, Humor, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2015-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-25 16:24:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2628260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoeCoolNerd/pseuds/JoeCoolNerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Italics are John. Regular tis Sherlock.<br/>Disclaimer:<br/>I don't own Sherlock neither BBC's nor Sir Author Doyle's and am not making any profit by publishing this.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Room Intrusion

**Author's Note:**

> Italics are John. Regular tis Sherlock.  
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own Sherlock neither BBC's nor Sir Author Doyle's and am not making any profit by publishing this.

John, where are you? –SH  
 _St. Bart's. I told you this morning. –JW_  
You did? I must have deleted it. –SH  
 _Already Sherlock? And how many times do I have to tell you not to text me while I am at work. -JW_  
It's not like your doing anything of importance anyway. - SH  
 _I am paying the rent Sherlock. The RENT Sherlock. That is a good enough reason for me to go to work. It's not like you accept the money they give for solving cases anyway. –JW_  
Rent? Oh that…you know that you don't have to work. Mycroft would probably end up paying anyway. I got money in the bank too. – SH  
 _You're too lazy to go to the bank and get the money out to pay the rent and I have to go I have a patient so behave. –JW_  
There is no reason to go the bank if you end up paying the rent anyway. - SH  
John? –SH  
John? –SH  
I'm bored. –SH  
Bored. - SH  
Where did you hide your gun? –SH  
 _SHERLOCK! YOU DO NOT HAVE MY PREMISSION TO USE MY GUN! –JW_  
I see your patient just left and must there be a need to type in all caps. –SH  
 _YES SHERLOCK I TYPE IN ALL CAPS WHEN MY FLATMATE IS BORED AND PUTS BULLETS IN THE WALL OF OUR FLAT AND YES THE PATIENT LEFT I COULND'T CONCENTRATE WITH MY PHONE BUZZING EVERY 5 MINUTES. AND NO YOU CANNOT HAVE MY GUN. –JW_  
Where did you hide your gun John! Out of all the people in the world it seems only you are able to hide something from me… –SH  
 _HELPS THAT I HAD AN ALCOHOLIC SISTER WHEN I WAS YOUNGER- JW_  
Can you please stop typing in all caps? There is no need to and it makes no sense to text like that John. Where did you hide the gun? If you don't tell me I will rip the flat apart and find it John. –SH  
 _NO I WILL NOT STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS AND IF YOU RIP THE FLAT APART SHERLOCK HOLMES YOU ARE PUTTING IT BACK TOGETHER! –JW_  
Don't you have any more patients to attend to? –SH  
 _NO. IT'S A SLOW DAY HERE SO I HAVE FREE TIME. –JW_  
I'm in your room. –SH  
 _WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?! –JW_  
Profanity and all caps, I am disappointed in you John. –SH  
 _W-H-A-T A-R-E Y-O-U D-O-I-N-G I-N M-Y R-O-O-M?! –JW_  
I can spell John. –SH  
 _STOP AVOIDING THE QUESTION SHERLOCK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM? –JW_  
Gun. –SH  
 _GET OUT OF MY ROOM. –JW_  
No. Tell me where you gun is. –SH  
 _NEVER. –JW_  
THEN I SHALL CONTINUE DISSECTING YOUR ROOM. NICE TIES BY THE WAY. –SH  
 _SHERLOCK HOLMES YOU LEAVE MY POOR TIES ALONE! THEY ARE NOT TO BE SUBJECTED TO BE EXPERIMENTATION AGAIN! YOU BURNED AND STAINED THEM SHERLOCK. –JW_  
IT WAS AN EXPERIMENT! –SH  
WHY DO HAVE A BARBIE DOLL IN YOUR CLOSET? –SH  
 _SHELOCK! –JW_  
UH….SHERLOCK I FORGOT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING I LEFT A FRIEND OF MINE TO GUARD THE ROOM –JW  
 _SHERLOCK? –JW_  
 _YOU OKAY –JW_  
Whkjasdfh a cadsttadstf roodm? -SH  
 _What? - JW_  
New voice note from Sherlock Holmes.  
Open  
You have a cat in your room! *Achoo* How do you get this creature away from you! *Achoo* John! * Achoo* You *Achoo* will pay *Achoo* for this John *Achoo* You- Will….-A-A-A-Pay! *ACHOO!*


	2. Monsters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are John. Regular tis Sherlock. Bold is Mycroft. Italics and Bold are Lestrade.
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own Sherlock neither BBC's nor Sir Author Doyle's and am not making any profit by publishing this.

_**Sherlock is on a sneezing frenzy. Should I be worried or is this another one of his experiments? –GL** _

_He's still sneezing?! *laughs* -JW_

_**What did I miss? –GL** _

_Nothing of importance Greg. : ) Is he still sneezing? –JW_

_**He's glaring at me John. Why is he glaring at me? - GL** _

_Probably knows you're texting me then. –JW_

_**He tells me to tell you that you will pay? What have I missed here? –GL** _

_Tell him to text me. And it's not important Greg. –JW_

_**He says he lost his phone somewhere between the evil monster attack and the trip down the stairs? Evil monster? Seriously John what is happening? –GL** _

_Lol. Tell him to go back up. It wouldn't make sense if I tried to explain anyway Greg. –JW_

_**He says not until you tame that monster! With a capital M for monster! Okay I am seriously lost here and Sherlock won't tell me anything. He tells me to ask you. –GL** _

_Tell him not to call her a monster! She has a name! Greg tell Sherlock to explain it to you. –JW_

_**He won't tell me anything! And I'm not sending more messages for you two! If you want to have arguments find another middle man then! Hell! Sometimes I think I am dealing with two children instead of one! –GL** _

_We are not kids Greg. –JW_

_Greg? –JW_

_You there mate? –JW_

_**Greg left John. –SH** _

_You stole Lestrade's phone?! –JW_

_**He was annoying. –SH** _

_That is not an excuse! –JW_

_**It's his fault! - SH** _

_SHERLOCK HOLMES! YOU GIVE BACK GREG'S PHONE BACK RIGHT THIS INSTANCE! –JW_

**John, do please tell me why I just saw Sherlock running down the stairs. –MH**

_Phone. –JW_

**Explain. –MH**

_Too hard. –JW_

**John. Explain Now. –MH**

_Too lazy. Oh, don't go upstairs. –JW_

**I see my brother is influencing you. MH**

_Obviously. –JW_

**Why can't I go in your room? -MH**

_First of all it's my room. Second, I don't want you to deduce even more about life. Third, there is a 'monster' in there. –JW_

**Monster? –MH**

_Yes, a monster. Don't ask. –JW_

**Don't need to. I am going up to your room now! –MH**

_Mycroft! Don't you dare set a foot in there! –JW_

_Mycroft! –JW_

_Bloody hell… -JW_


	3. Worthy Causes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Texts:  
>  _Italics are John._ Regular tis Sherlock. **Bold is Mycroft.** _**Italics and Bold are Lestrade.**_
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own Sherlock neither BBC's nor Sir Author Doyle's and am not making any profit by publishing this.

**What happened to Mycroft John? –SH**

_Why are you on his phone? –JW_

**It was near the staircase. –SH**

_Shit. –JW_

**? –SH**

_I don't suppose you could go…no…well then...this is awkward. –JW_

**I hear crashing and cursing? coming from your room. Who would be in your room? Tapping. Sounds slightly overweight. - Mycroft! –SH**

_Is he allergic to cats also? –JW_

**Yes. Though I doubt that thing can be considered a cat! –SH**

_It is too a cat! -JW_

**So you sent him to you room on purpose didn't you!? That was brilliant! Can't wait to see his face when he gets down. Wait, I can take a picture of it and send it to you! :D –SH**

_Sherlock! I did not do it on purpose! It was an accident I swear… I still want that picture though. –JW_

_Did he come down yet? –JW_

New Multimedia Message from Mycroft Holmes.

*Open*

_OMG, LOL! God, his face Sherlock his face! xD –JW_

**It is funny is it not? I am sending one to my phone for bribery later on. –SH**

_Where is he now? –JW_

**Near the stove trying to breath. :) –SH**

**I just got a message from the Italian Government. Should I reply? –SH**

_Sherlock you are not allowed to mess with the politics and cause another war. You hear me and yes you still have to give back Mycroft's phone. Did you return Lestrade's phone? –JW_

**Yes. I returned his phone. But why do I have to give back Mycroft's? –SH**

_Because it's his. –JW_

**Aren't you at work still? –SH**

_No, I just got to leave early Sherlock. Slow day. –JW_

**Mycroft wants me give his phone back. :( -SH**

_Then give it back. –JW_

**But I don't want to. It's not my fault that he left on the floor. –SH**

_Give it back now. –JW_

**No. –SH**

_I will take your violin away. –JW_

**I'll give it back! –SH**

_Now. -JW_

**Just let me delete all the messages I sent. –SH**

_Good. –JW_

**Can I forward the picture to the Italians? –SH**

_No- JW_

**Why? Mycroft threatening to throw my experiments away if I don't give it back. But I think this a worthy cause. Yes? –SH**

SHERLOCK! -JW

**John! Why didn't you tell you had that** _**monster** _ **cat in your room?! I almost died up there! –MH**

_It's not a monster! –JW_

**I don't care! I'm leaving the flat! –MH**

_It's a CAT! A CAT! -JW_


	4. Barbies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter is dedicated to frandom!**
> 
> Texts:  
>  _Italics are John._ Regular tis Sherlock. **Bold is Mycroft.** _**Italics and Bold are Lestrade.**_
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own Sherlock neither BBC's nor Sir Author Doyle's and am not making any profit by publishing this.

_I'm almost at the flat- JW_

Are you going to remove the monster? –SH

_It's not a monster. –JW_

If not then what is it? –SH

_A c-a-t Sherlock. A cat. A feline. –JW_

Cats are not that vicious and evil.–SH

_Maybe you did something to offend it. –JW_

Offend it! It's a cat! Cats do not get offended! They are not intelligent enough!–SH

_This one does and don't call it unintelligent She's my pet. –JW_

And what exactly did I do to get it offended then? –SH

_I don't know. What did you do in my room?-JW_

_God, that sounded wrong. –JW_

I was just looking for your gun and found your  _doll_ ….-SH

_That's probably why then. It doesn't like strange people in my room. –JW_

So it considers me weird? –SH

_No. You just are someone who it doesn't know yet. –JW_

Then I don't wanna to know it. –SH

_It is a cat not an it. -JW_

Why do you have a Barbie doll anyway? They are just pieces of plastic molded together that are given to obscene little girls so they can shut up. –SH

_Are you inferring that I'm a girl? –JW_

No. No…Unless you're gay? –SH

_I'M NOT GAY. –JW_

Then why do you have a common ugly child's doll in your room? –SH

_Common?! How dare you call THE world's first Barbie a doll ugly?! –JW_

It's just a piece of plastic John. –SH

_It is not plastic! It has a zebra-print swimming suit costume and hoop earrings and it one of the most expensive Barbie dolls in the world! –JW_

This piece of plastic…looks perfect for an experiment. :) –SH

_No! You are not allowed to experiment with my toys! –JW_

It was made for girls not boys therefore it would be best to dispose of it immediately. –SH

_Don't you dare. –JW_

It's for your health. –SH

_How is destroying one of my favorite Barbie dolls going to improve my health? –JW_

Wait. You said one of. Does that mean you are hiding more of these hideous things in your room?! –SH

_What?! No! –JW_

Then, where are they? –SH

_I put them in storage Sherlock. There is no possible way I was going to leave my whole collection where_ _you_ _could reach it. –JW_

You collect these things? –SH

_Yes Sherlock. That's why they are some of them are called collectables. –JW_

I am now definitely gonna use this doll for my experiment. –SH

_I am at the flat and coming up. –JW_

_Sherlock Holmes you leave her alone! –JW_

_SHERLOCK! -JW_


	5. Hiding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Texts:  
>  _Italics are John._ Regular tis Sherlock. **Bold is Mycroft.** _**Italics and Bold are Lestrade.**_
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own Sherlock neither BBC's nor Sir Author Doyle's and am not making any profit by publishing this.

_Where did you put the cat? –JW_

What cat? –SH

_Sherlock….you can talk you know? –JW_

Too much work. –SH

_Right then. Where did you put the cat? –JW_

Monster. SH

_Cat. And where did you put her. –JW_

Away…-SH

_And where exactly is away? –JW_

If I tell where will you bring  _it_  back? –SH

_Yes. –JW_

Then, no. I do not feel obliged to tell you. –SH

_Is it in the flat? –JW_

Maybe. –SH

_So, it's not in the flat. –JW_

I didn't say it wasn't. I just said maybe meaning it might or might not be in the flat. –SH

_Which means it isn't. –JW_

It's a maybe! –SH

_Therefore it's a no. –JW_

What do you mean a no?! A maybe means it might be! –SH

_So it is in the flat. –JW_

No! It's not in the flat! –SH

_You put the cat in the street?! –JW_

At this point in time no further information will be given. –SH

_It's raining out! You put the cat out into the rain?! –JW_

_You know that the poor cat could get run over by a car and flatten into a piece of paper what would I do?! –JW_

Sell its pelt. –SH

_What?! That's inhumane! –JW_

Well you could feed some of the street dogs with it too just that the earlier seemed a tad better…-SH

_No, Sherlock. Neither option is something I would do. –JW_

I could go in the shop with the pelt if want. I'll give you half the profit I get from it. –SH

_We are not selling the cat's pelt. –JW_

So we are going to feed it to the dogs then? –SH

_Neither! We don't even now if she's dead or alive! –JW_

She? –SH

_Yes the cat is a girl. –JW_

So the its a girl then? –SH

_It's not an 'it' it is a cat! –JW_

Monster! –SH

_What proof do you have of that?! –JW_

These claw mark on my arms and shoulders! See! I could get rabies from these! –SH

_I don't think it's possible to get rabies from a cat. –JW_

_Anyway she has all of her shots up to date. –JW_

Still…the cuts could get infected. –SH

_Not if you let me treat them. –JW_

Will it hurt? –SH

_You're such a baby. –JW_

Shouldn't you be looking for the monster? –SH

_It's a cat. And yes I'm going out right now to look for. –JW_

Can you call Lestrade and see if he has a case for me? –SH

_No, call him yourself I'm leaving. –JW_

John? –SH

John! Wait don't leave! –SH

The cat's in the broom closet…-SH

John? –SH

You forget to treat the claw marks….-SH


	6. Cases

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Texts:  
>  _Italics are John._ Regular tis Sherlock. **Bold is Mycroft.** _**Italics and Bold are Lestrade.**_
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own Sherlock neither BBC's nor Sir Author Doyle's and am not making any profit by publishing this.

John? –SH

You left your phone on the table. –SH

Right then…-SH

Lestrade, John's being an idiot. –SH

_**And I care about this because? –GL** _

It's your fault. –SH

_**How is it my fault? –GL** _

You didn't give us any cases. –SH

_**Because there aren't any cases yet! –GL** _

How about the cold cases you could have given us one of those. –SH

_**You didn't ask for any of those and anyway most of them aren't 'interesting enough' for you. –GL** _

Well that's not my fault. –SH

_**So it's our fault then? –GL** _

Yes. You should some officers with slightly more intelligence than these. It'll save you some work. -SH

_**They're the best of the force! –GL** _

Maybe, but they are still idiots. –SH

_**Didn't you want something to do with John? –GL** _

Ah, yes. If you see him tell him to come to the flat right away. –SH

_**Is this about the 'monster' something or another? –GL** _

Partially. –SH

_**And the other half?-GL** _

It escaped and I'm trapped in the bathroom. –SH

_**Trapped? –GL** _

Well, I'm not going to go out there and get myself hurt. –SH

_**Just what is the 'monster'? –GL** _

A monster. –SH

_**Well, obviously. But just what is it? –GL** _

A beast with claws. –SH

_**That isn't helpful. –GL** _

I don't care. –SH

_**So you want me to go find John and tell him to go home and rescue you form the 'monster' that has you locked in the bathroom? –GL** _

Exactly-SH

_**Yeah, no mate.-GL** _

What?! Why not?! –SH

_**It's raining outside and on top of that I'm still at work so no. –GL** _

But, it's a matter or life or death! –SH

_**Yeah, sorry no. –GL** _

I'll do a fourth of your cold cases in one night. –SH

With explanations. -SH

_**No. –GL** _

One half. –SH

_**Temptating, but I can't if I see John I'll tell him you're waiting for him. And anyway he's bound to come back to the f lat sooner or later. –GL** _

Lestrade! –SH

Put the pen down and answer! –SH

Lestrade?-SH


	7. It's a Bloody Cat!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Texts:  
>  _Italics are John._ Regular tis Sherlock. **Bold is Mycroft.** _**Italics and Bold are Lestrade.**_
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own Sherlock neither BBC's nor Sir Author Doyle's and am not making any profit by publishing this

-Some time later or apporx. 8 hours….-

John? Are you still mad? –SH

John? –SH

_Yes, you could have told me. –JW_

You didn't answer your phone. –SH

_It's was in the flat! –JW_

Which I later noted and Lestrade wouldn't go and look for you. –SH

_Why didn't_ _you_ _go and look for me then? –JW_

It was raining. –SH

_Correction it wasn't raining when I left, it started raining after. –JW_

Technicalities. –SH

_I can't believe you… -JW_

Not my fault you didn't come in. –SH

_You could've told me before I left. –JW_

But, you left before I could so therefore it's your fault. –SH

_How is it my fault! –JW_

You made an assumption and left. –SH

_You_ _**hinted** _ _very clear that the cat had a higher chance of being outside! –JW_

And you believed me? –SH

_Well, you're capable throwing a cat out into the streets. Come on Sherlock, its London don't you realize how dangerous it is for cat. –JW_

It's a creature. –SH

_C-A-T. –JW_

It was in the closet the whole time John. Well except for the end but that doesn't matter…I know your deductions skills are off but how did you not notice…There was fur everywhere… -SH

_You know I'm across the room form you right? –JW_

So? –SH

_There is the concept called talking Sherlock. –JW_

Tedious and anyway texting is better. –SH

_How…you know I'm not even going to ask. –JW_

Hmm? –SH

Why are you still with  _that_ creature. –SH

_It's a she Sherlock and it is a cat. –JW_

Why does it get to sit in your lap…its dangerous… -SH

_That didn't sound right at all….you sure you're not..? –JW_

? –SH

_Never mind and the cat has total right to be in my lap. –JW_

How does it have a right and I don't?! –SH

_Sherlock…–JW_

But I have the right to be in your lap too! –SH

_Are you sure you're not gay? -JW_

_You're really disproving that statement now… -JW_

I married to my work! –SH

_Right then…. –JW_

The question? –SH

_Oh, right. The cat earned the "right" to sit in my lap because it has been through a terrifying experience. –JW_

And that is…..? –SH

_You locked it up in a cupboard! A cupboard Sherlock. –JW_

It took a lot of work to do that too it was clawing me and look at these marks!…-SH

_I could get the Humane Society on you for animal abuse…-JW_

You wouldn't. –SH

_No, but I'll post about it on my blog and someone will eventually. –JW_

That's cheating! –SH

_Is not. –JW_

Too. –SH

_Not. –JW_

Too. –SH

_Not. –JW_

Too.- SH

_Not! Not! Not! –JW_

Too! Too! Too! –SH

Ah! It's attacking me again! –SH

_Good, you deserved it… -JW_

_**Why's Sherlock sneezing is because of the cat that's clawing at his face? –GL** _

_Yes. –JW_

_**Aren't you going to try and get it off him? –GL** _

_Um…no. He's earned it. –JW_

_How did you get in the flat? –JW_

_**The door was open. –GL** _

_You brought a case? –JW_

_**No…I'm here for something else. –GL** _

_And that is? –JW_

_**Well, I was going to ask Sherlock about the 'monster' and to look for you. but you're in the flay so… -GL** _

_Yeah, well I'm back and the 'monster' is currently attacking him. –JW_

_**Wait so the 'monster' is that cat attacking Sherlock? –GL** _

_Apparently. –JW_

_Greg what are you doing?! –JW_

_**Well, I attempted to get the cat off. No wonder Sherlock calls it monster. Look at my arm! It has claw marks all over it! –GL** _

_It's not a monster! –JW_

_And why are you texting me…we're in the same room…-JW_

_**I lost my voice. –GL** _

_Oh…-JW_

To John & Lestrade

How dare you leave alone with that  _monster_! And why is it the flat anyway?! –SH

_To Greg & Sherlock:_

_I'm taking care of it for Molly. She's out this week and she asked me to watch over her. –JW_

To Greg & John:

And when is it leaving? –SH

_To Greg & Sherlock:_

_Tomorrow. Sherlock…Greg….stop hissing/glaring at the cat. You'll only provoke her more. –JW_

_**To Sherlock & John:** _

_**That's good. John? You know you're still drenched right? –GL** _

_To Greg & Sherlock:_

_Yeah…it was raining out and I trust the cat alone with Sherlock. –JW_

_**To Sherlock & John:** _

_**Doesn't Sherlock have any allergy meds? –GL** _

To John & Lestrade:

No. None of them work….and what's the three-way texting? –SH

_**To John & Sherlock:** _

_**Dunno…Have an idea John?** _

_To Lestrade & Sherlock:_

_No idea. But I'm going to change don't anyone one of you touch the cat! –JW_

_**Sherlock? –GL** _

Yes? –SH

_**Do you think we can get rid of the cat? He said we couldn't 'touch' it…. –GL** _

Ah, that's right. But that doesn't mean we can't just  _lure_  it away. –SH

_**Yes. Got any fish or the like around? –GL** _

I believe John brought some the other day… -SH

-Some Moments Later-

"SHERLOCK! GREG! WHERE'S MY CAT?!"


	8. Height Issues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Dedicated to Ballykissaangel**
> 
> Texts:  
>  _Italics are John._ Regular tis Sherlock. **Bold is Mycroft.** _**Italics and Bold are Lestrade.**_
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own Sherlock neither BBC's nor Sir Author Doyle's and am not making any profit by publishing this.

_After a while John did find the cat. Of course, in the last 5 days caring for her there were some more mishaps but by the end of the week John somehow managed to give Molly her cat in one piece. But unfortunately for John he caught a severe cold from being out looking for the cat in pouring rain. And so our story begins…_

_OoOoOoOoO_

_Sherlock? Where did you put the tea? –JW_

Tea? -SH

_Yes, tea. –JW_

Why can't you just talk? This is getting tedious. –SH

_Voice is gone. Throats swollen. I'm sick haven't you noticed? –JW_

No. –SH

_Anyway, you started the texting thing anyway. –JW_

And your point is? –SH

_Never mind. Where's the tea? –JW_

Tea? –SH

_Yes, tea I like drink constantly. Comes in a tin. –JW_

I know what tea is. –SH

_Then why did you ask? –JW_

I didn't. I merely restated your question. –SH

_Right. Where my tea then? –JW_

On top of the cupboards. –SH

_Why? –JW_

You got mad last time because it got damaged from one of my experiments so I put it up there for safety. Though, I don't see why you got mad. –SH

_You ruined my kettle and used my tea to somehow create a very strong acid which was used on my jumpers! –JW_

They were the more hideous ones. –SH

_They were mine! –JW_

So? –SH

_Why couldn't you use your clothes? –JW_

I need a thick wooly sort of fibers and your jumpers were perfect. –SH

_Why couldn't you use the blankets instead? –JW_

They were next. –SH

_Why…-JW_

Science John! Science! –SH

_Right…-JW_

_Where's the bench? –JW_

Experiment. –SH

_I'm starting to hate your experiments even more. –JW_

What's wrong with them. –SH

_I'm not even going to try. –JW_

? –SH

_Sherlock.. –JW_

Yes? –SH

_Can you get the tea from me? –JW_

Why can't you just get it yourself? –SH

_It's too high. –JW_

Use a stool or bench. –SH

_You used them in your_ _**precious** _ _experiments. –JW_

Chair? –SH

_Not tall enough. –JW_

_So can you get it for me? –JW_

Let me see…no. –SH

_What why not?! –JW_

It's not my fault my flatmate is a short person. –SH

_I'm not that short….-JW_

Yes, you are look at yourself. –SH

_Well at least I not a cumbersome giant! –JW_

Giant?! I am not a giant! I am...just a little above normal height that's all. –SH

_And I'm the queen of England. –JW_

You aren't. –SH

_It's sarcasm! –JW_

Ah, short people humor. –SH

_Well, excuse me Mr. Longlegs. At least, I don't feel the need to always be constantly bumping into stuff! –JW_

Not true! –SH

_True. –JW_

I demand evidence! –SH

_Running into the doorframe at the Pink Woman's crime scene, bumping your head on the top of the ambulance when you stood up, when we entered Mrs. Hudson's flat, etc. –JW_

Well at least I'm not slow like certain short people. –SH

_Well everyone can't have those ridiculously long legs Sherlock! –JW_

Ridiculous! –SH

_Yes, ridiculous. You take these huge large strides Mr. Spock. –JW_

Insufferable! It's impossible to live with a short person! –SH

_The same goes for tall one!. –JW_

You're always lagging behind in the crime scenes! –SH

_You're always banging you head against the doorframes and what-not! –JW_

You never can reach anything in the higher shelves! –SH

_You never notice anything below! Remember the incident with the midget! –JW_

This again. –SH

_Yes, this! You almost squashed the man! –JW_

Well, it wasn't my fault! –SH

_You could've noticed him! –JW_

But he just so short. –SH

_He was standing right next to you! You could've have looked down before you stepped! –JW_

You told it wasn't polite to look  **down**  on people John! –SH

_Tall people humor I take it? –JW_

_It's not funny Mr. Giant! –JW_

So, I got the short person mad then? You really do have a  **short**  temper. -SH

_He had to run for his life Sherlock! You almost and quite literally stepped_ _on him! –JW_

I see we have a short person's rights advocate here. –SH

_Don't be so_ _**high-headed** _ _! –JW_

Quiet you, you- small ion! –SH

_That's not a good pun, Mr._ _**High** _ _Intellect. –JW_

Quiet  **short**  stop! –SH

_Make me_ _**tall** _ _shot! –JW_


	9. Shopping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Dedicated to Ballykissaangel**
> 
> Texts:  
>  _Italics are John._ Regular tis Sherlock. **Bold is Mycroft.** _**Italics and Bold are Lestrade.**_
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own Sherlock neither BBC's nor Sir Author Doyle's and am not making any profit by publishing this.

Why do I have to go shopping with you? –SH

_Because if I sent you shopping alone you would probably end up arrested or worse. –JW_

And you couldn't go alone because? –SH

_Mrs. Hudson is out and there is no there to take care of you. –JW_

I'm not a child John! I can take care of myself! –SH

_Without having the whatever squad removing your dangerous experiments?! –JW_

I believe it was the hazard control squad that the time. And I was bored. How was I to know that it was going to cause a hole  _that_  deep into the rug? –SH

_It went down to the flat below where you scared our neighbor and it burned through her rug! –JW_

Beside the point. –SH

_Doesn't matter. –JW_

John. –SH

John. –SH

John! –SH

_What is it! –JW_

I'm bored! –SH

_You can help with the shopping. Go and get the milk. –JW_

We need milk? –SH

_Apparently, it keeps disappearing somehow. –JW_

I think you drink it all. –SH

_No, you use it all in your experiments. –JW_

That's impossible. –SH

_Just go get and the milk and don't get in trouble! –JW_

Fine. –SH

**15 Minutes Later**

_Sherlock where are you?! –JW_

Don't know. –SH

_What do mean don't know?! Are you still in the store?! –JW_

I believe so. –SH

_Believe?! –JW_

Yes, believe. –SH

_So, you're lost. –JW_

I'm not lost! –SH

_Then where are you? –JW_

Past the plastic dolls and not quite near the car stuff. –SH

_How is that anywhere close to the milk?! –JW_

Well I don't do the shopping, you do. Now how do I get out of here? –SH

_You still between the dolls and cars? –JW_

The store sells cars? –SH

I want a Ferrari then. -SH

_What? No, it doesn't! –JW_

Can I still have a Ferrari? -SH

_No Ferraris! –JW_

But it'll be fun. –SH

_No. –JW_

We wouldn't have to take cabs anymore. –SH

_You would probably leave me behind, as usual. –JW_

No, I wouldn't. If you were faster. –SH

_Point made. No Ferraris. –JW_

But… -SH

_No. –JW_

I'll let you go on a date without me coming along. –SH

_No. –JW_

I won't confiscate you laptop for a whole week. –SH

_You steal it. And no. –JW_

You can pick the color. –SH

_No. –JW_

I'll only go 30 miles above the limit. –SH

_No and that's final. -JW_

Fine. –SH

_It's for your own good Sherlock. Try to get to the milk while I get some medicine. Meet you there. –JW_

**2 Minutes Pass**

**A loud crash is heard.**

John! I've been attacked! Help! –SH

_Attacked? In a store? –JW_

Yes, the whole spices shelve fell on me! –SH

_Are you hurt?! –JW_

No. It just fell. I'm fine. But why does a store need so many spices for? –SH

_Did you get the milk even? –JW_

No, can't find it. –SH

_Sherlock, have you gone to the dairy area yet? –JW_

No. –SH

_Then go. –JW_

Where is it? –SH

_It's near the gigantic sign with cheese and milk on the wall that says Dairy. –JW_

And that is where? –SH

_On the wall. –JW_

Very funny John. –SH

_How did the spices fall anyway? –JW_

No comment. –SH

_Sherlock. –JW_

I was just climbing the shelves to see if I could find you and it fell. –SH

_You're not supposed to climb them! –JW_

It was necessary at the time! –SH

_That's why it fell. –JW_

And I suppose that's the reason why the manager was chasing me as well. –SH

_It's a good enough reason. –JW_

_Was? –JW_

The manager decided he wanted to take a nap. –SH

_SHERLOCK! –JW_

I FOUND THE MILK! –SH

_Don't move. I don't want you getting lost. –JW_

I wasn't lost. –SH

_Say what you will. –JW_

I left the stove on. –SH

_Well, there's nothing on there. –JW_

Actually, I think there was. –SH

_It better not be my kettle again. I need my tea. –JW_

No! -SH

John, my experiment is ruined! –SH

_The flat! –JW_

Yes? –SH

_Found you. We are leaving right now to make sure our flat hasn't died, burned down. What's that in your hand? –JW_

Why are you still texting? I'm right next to you. –SH

_I lost my voice remember? –JW_

Oh. What about my hand? –SH

_Nothing let's just leave. –JW_

**At the self-checkouts**

John. Leave the machine alone. –SH

_It won't work properly! –JW_

…

Kicking it isn't going to make work any better John. –SH

Stop glaring at me, it's the truth. –SH

**...**

Nor mouthing obstinacies either. –SH

For god- let me try. –SH

_Careful Sherlock it has a mind of its own. –JW_

It's a machine John! -SH

…

_Banging and shaking isn't effective either. I've tired that before… –JW_

This machine shall not win! –SH

_Here let me help. –JW_

I can do it. –SH

_No just let me. –JW_

No I can do it. –SH

_See here you just… -JW_

Hey, now what if you..? –SH

_No, I believe that if you… -JW_

OoOoOoOoO

" _We interrupt your program with special, bizarre news report. Two people are being taken into custody after being reported to be seen_ _ **destroying**_ _a chip and pin machine at this store here."_

_(Cameras zoom out and Tesco's can be seen along with the reporter.)_

_(Camera zooms back in)_

" _Onlookers reported that they saw the two hitting and shaking the machine. The taller one was said to have told the onlookers rather pointed accusations about their personal lives. The smaller of the two began to silently shout and the taller and continue arguing with the machine. The manger of the store was called on to calm down the costumers but instead was found passed out due to a blow on the back of his head in the spices aisle. Though no evidence has been found yet, security guards are going through the surveillance cameras in order to prove that this was done by one of the two. The charges being held against the two include Disturbance of peace and-"_

_(Camera zooms out again and John and Sherlock are seen being carried, handcuffed to a police car on the side of the road)_

" _Sirs, may we have a word?"_

" _Your boyfriend's actually after your money and is dating you sister. Might want to break up with him before bank out run dries out and the ring he gave you is a fake."_

_(John kicks Sherlock.)_

" _Hey, what was that for?!"_

_(Sherlock and John are seen being put inside a police car. Sherlock is still complaining. The reporter nervously turns back to the camera; the ring on her finger is gone. She clears her throat.)_

" _On other news there is a massive fire on Baker Street…"_


	10. Breaking Out Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Dedicated to MysteryintheShadows**
> 
> _Italics are John._ Regular tis Sherlock. **Bold is Mycroft.** _**Italics and Bold are Lestrade.**_
> 
> Disclaimer:  
> I don't own Sherlock neither BBC's nor Sir Author Doyle's and am not making any profit by publishing this.

John? –SH

Sorry… -SH

_I still can't believe they didn't notice our mobiles…-JW_

I told you they were idiots. –SH

_But still…it was glowing though your coat pocket. –JW_

They're idiots as I said before. You forgive? –SH

_No. –JW_

What? Why not? –SH

_No comment. –JW_

That's a yes. Correct? –SH

_No and look where we are because of you! –JW_

Me?! How is this fault!? You're the one who took us shopping! –SH

_That has nothing to do with the situation! –JW_

Yes it does. If you had never taken us shopping, I wouldn't have put the manager out, slightly destroy the spice aisle, "manhandled" the chip and pin machine,(really, though couldn't they have come up with something more creative?), told the officers how they should start explaining their relationship to their wives nor would I have accidentally somehow pissed off the guard. –SH

_The officer incident was interesting…and no. You intentionally made the guard mad. –JW_

But what I said was true. –SH

_Doesn't mean you have to tell the four corners of the world about it! –JW_

The world is round not flat, even I know that. So it can not have corners. –SH

_And they stole our groceries! –JW_

They didn't steal John. They gave it back to the store. –SH

_They didn't have a right! It took us immense hard work to get them! –JW_

We hadn't paid for them. –SH

_It was the machines fault, not ours! -JW_

Yes, John. But unless you want theft to be added to our list of charges, I suggest you forget the groceries and help me figure out a way to escape. –SH

_Escape? –JW_

Of course, you don't to stay here do you? –SH

_No. But wouldn't that make us fugitives of the law? –JW_

Definitely. –SH

_Yeah, no. – JW_

What? Why not? –SH

_We are already in enough trouble as it is. –JW_

I have an experiment that I need to salvage. –SH

_Don't forget the flat. If we do escape the flat might have burned down because of_ _**someone.** _ _–JW_

It's not my fault. The trip took longer than expected. –SH

_You aren't supposed to leave anything on the stove when you go out. –JW_

No one told me that. –SH

_Actually, I did before we left. –JW_

Deleted it then. –SH

_So how are we going to escape? –JW_

I thought you didn't want anymore legal trouble. –SH

_I don't. But no matter what I say you're going to escape and I'm going to have to follow to make sure you don't get hurt or something. –JW_

Did they take your Browning? –SH

_No… –JW_

_I'm starting to doubt the public safety system greatly. –JW_

It's because they're all idiots. –SH

Do you want to disable the guard or should I? –SH

_The guard isn't even here. –JW_

I know but when he comes. Not too hard though, just enough to knock him out for a couple of hours. -SH

_Well…I guess I'll do it. –JW_

_So what's the plan? –JW_

I'll explain it on the way. –SH

_Why not now? –JW_

In texts? It would take too long. –SH

_You can talk you know. I haven't gone deaf. –JW_

_Yet. –JW_

Yes, yes. But someone could hear us. –SH

_The rats? –JW_

Humor? –SH

_Of a sort. –JW_

So. You forgive? –SH

_Partially…-JW_

I wish I had my violin. –SH

I'm bored. –SH

What's taking the guard so long to come? –SH

_So when the guard comes I just reach through the bars and 'magically' knock him out. –JW_

No, not magically. Dinner. He'll leave the food and I'll be too lazy to get up and then he'll have to come in and bring the food. Then you knock him out. –SH

_And after that? –JW_

We escape. –SH

_What about the other guards? –JW_

Gun. Window. –SH

_We're not going to kill them are we? –JW_

No, I have a better idea. –SH

_Yes? –JW_

We escape though one of the windows. –SH

_The windows? –JW_

Yes, they have some in the break room they made for the security. That's why they're so fat. –SH

_Are the windows up too high? –JW_

Not high. –SH

_Not high as in not high for you or not to high for me. –JW_

For me. But if you jump. A lot. You'll reach it. Eventually. –SH

_Can't you help me up? –JW_

_It would take less time. –JW_

Fine. –SH

Where's the guard? –SH

_Who knows. –JW_

_Just wait. He has to come eventually. –JW_

But, I'm bored. –SH

_Do you want to leave? –JW_

Yes. –SH

_Then wait. –JW_

But, I'm bored. –SH

_Count sheep. –JW_

There aren't any sheep around and isn't that for sleeping? –SH

_Yes, and you're suppose to imagine them. –JW_

Oh. –SH

I'm bored. –SH

_Organize your Mind Palace thingy. –JW_

But, then I won't notice if the guard comes. –SH

_Then get down from the top bunk and help me keep watch. –JW_

Tedious. –SH

_Now. –JW_

But. –SH

_Now. –JW_

I like it up here. –SH

_Don't say you're bored then. –JW_

But I am! –SH

_Then come down. –JW_

Now what? –SH

_We wait for the guard. –JW_

John. –SH

_Hm? –JW_

I forgot. –SH

_Right. Don't they have heaters here? –JW_

They do but they put them on the lowest temperature to save money. –SH

_Idiots. I'm freezing. –JW_

But on your jacket. –SH

_I do have my jacket on. –JW_

_I probably am going to end up even more sicker. –JW_

It's not more sicker. It's sicker. –SH

_Same thing. –JW_

Come here. –SH

_Tghnak you. –JW_

Bless you. -SH

OoOoOo 5 Hours Later OoOoOo

_**Crreek.** _

_**Step. Step.** _

" _ **John? Sherlock?"**_

_**Aw...** _

_**Click.** _

_**Flash.** _

_**Send: Mycroft Holmes; Anderson; Molly; -** _


End file.
